Ok, so we have the basic conflict. Every suffering has a reality opposing a wish/expectation. After doing the last exercise you’re skilled at identifying the wish from a reality.
So now what? How do we resolve this issue?
And the answer turns out to be quite simple. The wish and the reality need not conflict. You actually CAN have the reality in its fullest sense as well as the wish in its fullest sense.
How?
Well what if the reality doesn’t ‘kill’ the wish? If we can do that, the wish no longer ‘fights’ acceptance of the reality and we can fully accept and integrate the reality. And the conflict is gone.
An example is the candy case. The child wants candy and now is told that there is none. The child can’t accept the reality that there is no candy as the wish blocks that. If there is no candy then wanting candy ‘dies’.
So what if we said this to the child…
“I wish so badly that we had candy. I wish we had red candies, blue ones, green ones, pink ones. I wish we had bags and bags, boxes and boxes of candies. I wish we had so many candies that the whole entire house would be stuffed with them! Wouldn’t that be awesome? Yeahhhhh. You would eat so much candy your stomach would be full with candy. All day and all night. Well we don’t have any candy in the house now and tomorrow first thing I will go out and buy you some!”
What happened? We validated the wish. In essence we said “just because there isn’t any candy doesn’t mean you can’t want it! You sure as heck can want candy and that’s ok even though there isn’t any”. The wish is valid even though there is a reality here. Once we do that, the wish no longer needs to block the reality as it’s in no danger of ‘dying’. Once we have that the reality is accepted and integrated.
And so the solution to The Basic Conflict is extremely simple. The key is to validate the wish before you try and stuff home the reality.
Turns out I have a simple formula to do this. And here it is.
Simply say out loud “I wish I had my first class ticket, of course I wish I had my first class ticket, who wouldn’t?! And I acknowledge the fact that I don’t have my first class ticket”.
Here we validate the wish, it then feels ‘safe’ and it no longer needs to block the reality. We have the wish and the reality living side by side in perfect harmony.
And so here is the exercise. It’s called the Basic Protocol. Write it out in the comments and I will respond.
Start with something in your life that bothers you. Rate how bad it bothers you at this moment from 1-10 (with 10 being the worst). Write the topic and the number.
Next write it out fully using the Basic Formula. Then notice the next wish or reality that comes afterwards and use the Basic Formula on that as well. Then the next thing that comes. Do it for 10 items or till nothing more comes.
Then rerate it on 1-10. If it changed, describe what changed.
Here is an example.
Failing school – 8.8
I wish I would not be failing school. Of course I wish I would not be failing school, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I’m failing school.
I wish I could study well. Ofc I wish I could study well, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I can’t study well.
I wish my Dad didn’t have such big expectations for me. Ofc I wish…
4 – I feel X has changed…
Go!
Ironically, I just got offered a job today so I’m feeling really good. I’ll try and find something that bothers me.
I’m not in great physical shape – 5
I wish I were in great physical shape. Of course I wish to be in great shape, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge that I’m not in great shape.
I wish I was more attractive. Of course I wish to be more attractive, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge that I’m not more attractive.
I wish I was stronger. Of course I wish to be stronger, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge that I’m not stronger.
I wish I was healthier. Of course I wish I was healthier, who doesn’t? And I acknowledge that I’m not healthier.
I wish I was less lazy so I’d work out more often. OF COURSE I wish I was less lazy, everyone wishes that. And I fully acknowledge that I am extremely lazy.
I wish I was a better able to defend myself. Of course I wish I was better able to defend myself. Who doesn’t want to defend themselves when the need arises. And I fully acknowledge that I’m NOT able to defend myself to the extent I want.
Now it is about a 1. I felt a change when I was saying that of course everyone else feels the same way, that it is natural and common to want these individual things. It made it feel like it wasn’t bad to want it, where before it kind of felt bad to want it.
Perfect once again!
So for you it seems that the wish itself wasn’t considered fully accepted (“where before it kind of felt bad to want it”), and therefore not fully validated, and therefore it got ‘stuck’ in a way. The Basic Formula helped the wish become fully acceptable (“it is natural and common to want these individual things. It made it feel like it wasn’t bad to want it”), and therefore fully validated, and then it ‘released’.
This is an interesting example as it seems that for you, there were actually 2 conflicts (I’ll pull one line out here).
1. Wish of I wish I was less lazy vs reality of I am extremely lazy
2. Wish of I wish I didn’t want to be less lazy vs reality of I want to be less lazy
A possible acknowledgement would be
“I wish I didn’t want to be less lazy. Ofc I wish I didn’t want to be less lazy, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I want to be less lazy.”
It seems that we nailed that anyways, this is simply a more fine grained analysis to train you in spotting these things.
As you can see, often times there are many layers and bits which is why there are more advanced Acknowledgement moves to work with that. We will talk about them in future posts.
Ok, here’s my go.
“I have a chronic, complex health condition.” – 9
I wish I didn’t have a health condition. Of course I wish I didn’t have a health condition, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I have a health condition.
I wish I could identify and fix the root cause of my health condition. Of course I wish I could fix my health condition, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I haven’t yet identified and fixed the root cause of my health condition.
I wish I knew what parts of my health condition were “real” or not. Of course I wish I knew which parts are real, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I don’t know which parts of my health condition are real or not.
I wish I wasn’t so focused on my symptoms. Of course I wish I wasn’t so focused on my symptoms, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I am very focused on my symptoms.
I wish I didn’t feel sick so often. Of course I wish I didn’t feel sick so often, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I often feel sick.
I wish I didn’t judge myself for having health problems, both physical and mental. Of course I wish I didn’t judge myself for having health problems, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I judge myself.
I wish I could accept things as they are. Of course I wish I could accept things as they are, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I do not accept things as they are.
I wish I felt well enough to exercise more. Of course I wish I felt well enough to exercise more, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I don’t feel well enough to exercise a lot.
I wish I could stop trying to control everything. Of course I wish I could stop trying to control everything, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I try to control everything.
I wish my Mother didn’t worry so much about my health. Of course I wish my Mother didn’t worry so much about my health, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that my Mother worries a lot about my health.
I wish I didn’t leverage my health problems in seeking attention. Of course I wish I didn’t leverage my health problems in seeking attention, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I leverage my health problems in seeking attention.
I wish I didn’t think of myself as unhealthy. Of course I wish I didn’t think of myself as unhealthy, who wouldn’t? And I acknowledge the fact that I think if myself as unhealthy.
I wish I wasn’t invested in thinking of myself as unhealthy. Of course I wish I wasn’t invested in thinking of myself as unhealthy. And I acknowledge the fact that I am invested in thinking of myself as unhealthy.
Ok, re-rating this – I’d say it’s dropped to an 8. I didn’t feel anything change until I started talking about my Mother, and my being invested/identifying with poor health. There’s a bit of a Munchausen’s vibe in my family.